Thursday, December 15th, 2005
There are probably some people who doesn’t seem to know when to call it quits. These are the people who doesn’t know how to say "no" when the time call for one. Not denying the probability that there are some who are genuinely persistence or has great strength of perserverance. However, most of the time other than not, they are just masking their indecisiveness and the lack of courage to take a stand, walk a different path, all in the name of persistency. Well, sad to say, I seems to be in such a situation.
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Its like making a glaringly wrong investment decision, but rather than pulling out and salvaging what is left, they plunge in even more, knowing that its a bottomless pit and losing more in the end. Sounds like I’am talking about relationship issues once again ah…well, for the first time, I’am not.
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I have probably reached the end of the road for my salsa stint. Its really time to bid farewell, but why am I still holding on? Is there still anything holding me back? Have I really been happy dancing over the past one and half years or so. Of course there are, at times, however, so sadly few that I can’t even recall at this point in time. Have I ever felt hopeful? Of course, but the feeling of rejections, disappointment, dejection is too often greater than the feeling of euphoria and hope. I have once said, you can lie to everyone, but not to yourself. So, I guess I should stop lying to myself. I have been really unhappy. Going to Union has become a trial for me. Its getting increasing worse with each passing day, especially worse when you start taking stock of how long you have been dancing. If I had only been 6 months old in this dance and dancing at what I’am doing now, I probably be feeling okay. But this is really not okay. Nearly 2 years have gone by and I’am still at square one, that’s not very encouraging, issit?
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It wasn’t easy lying to myself that I feel okay and that I was doing fine just to push myself to go on. I must of course give credit to the few good occassions that have given much inspiration that I managed to last till today. But I am truly unhappy now.
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Before I started writing this blog, I was having pretty negative thoughts about the events that took place recently. However, looking at it, perhaps it has helped me shaped my decision.
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It was a natural choice to join the team for the second time since the first one didn’t go quite as bad, or at least that’s what I thought. I seriously hope i didn’t go too wrong on this one either.
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However, through the intensive training and the trip, I didn’t only lost the will to dance, but I lost many other things. I have lost myself, my time with my family and my friends, especially my friends from within the team. Over the period, I seemed to have grown further and further from them. People bond when they are facing a tough situation together, well, I guess that just didn’t apply to me in this instant. Perhaps my temper has gotten the better of me during the times when I got so frustrated at getting the choreo. For that, I have nothing to offer, except my apologies.
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Had a talk with another friend the other day and we both agree that it is natural for one gravitate towards those who are more gifted and talented. I myself have also done that in various instances. Unfortunately, I guess I am the underdog in this scenario, being an extremely slow learner and worsen by the fact that I lack creativity to vary moves or incoporate new moves and stylings. Somehow it has come to an extent where I feel that friends now feel more of an obligation to dance rather than a real intent to want to dance. It has always been my aim to be able to lead every dance and bring satisfaction and appreciation to the person that I am dancing with, I guess it has just gotten a bit further away. This is really not what I had wished for, being the kind of person who doesn’t like to impose on others. So, just like a relationship that cannot work out, one must bow out from the scene, that person would be me.
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Well, of course, my instincts and feelings might be wrong or you might see it as an excuse for me to escape, you may not be totally wrong, but I just doesn’t want to be unhappy anymore. Furthermore, there are other factors at work here that is complicating the whole issue making matters much worse, but I shan’t elaborate it here.
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My instructor would probably kill me after reading this. Really sorry suman, your inept student here really couldn’t make the mark.
